so there i was watching the waves kiss the shores..
so there i was feeling the rain fall on my face..
so there i was reaching for the stars..
so there i was standing in the midst of despair..
so there i was, so alone..
i have been in denial for almost a year and 7 months that i won;t be able to find someone better then him. i even declared that i won’t find someone to replace him..
but look, i did. it just happened. i even stopped praying for God about it. but still i’m thankful..
a savior came, that made acceptance easier..
i was reading this blog site while i was at the office - and it reminded me of how much i miss reading books..
i miss the times i have at our university library scanning randomly from one book to another. if i can’t find my favorite author, i would just go for intersting titles. hahaha. i may be so lucky, cause my choices weren’t that bad afterall..
i badly miss reading that i just have to settle with just any book i could get my hand on.
damn! i am only wishing for another sheldon or john saul then my life would be better. hahaha.
today will be a new start..
today there will be a new me..
today will be the beginning & the end..
i have to admit it was not love at first - i more of trust you, thinking that you’re different. falling in love came after.
i also admit i’ve been unreasonable on the later part of our relationship. been demanding. been historical (recalling all your shortcomings when we fight). been someone i also hate. it was somehow a result of my own depression. i feel like imprisoned at home..
what happend also made me realize a lot of things. that sorry does not always work. sorry could not make things okay. that forgetting about pride is not even enough. i’ve hurt you. but please also know that it hurts me more..
i’ve been through worst relationships. worst break-ups. but this was the worst of all the worst. i have to know that, TOO much of something is really not good. i have trusted you too much. i have expected from you too much. i have loved you too much..
i wanted to die that day. to simply escape everything, but i have thought, maybe there’s still a chance that i could fix everything. i saw a little hope. i forgot about my pride. i begged and pleaded, and everytime you would turn me down a part of me would die. it’s even worst than actually dying. but i have forgotten about the word enough. i still hoped and hold on..
until that day. a simple “it’s true” was enough to ruin everything i’ve been holding on to. i could not believe it. much so when you said i’ve let go of you first. it’s not true. you were my everything.
i know. i’ve been living in denial. kept lying to myself that when this day comes i’d be okay. but hell. it was not even comparable to the day we broke up. i have loved you more after that break up. but then you have lied to me..
the reasons you gave me kept coming into my mind. you were not different from them afterall..
so then i have to settle for what happened. i will not look back. i don’t even want to see you..
i already died. now, i’ve been re born..
she had HIM when she was living in a lost world. it was really simply out of nowhere though they’ve known each other for sometime. she simply admired HIM.
whirlwind - that’s what happened.
but she was happy. it was the first time she was secured as would he assure her of his love evrytime he had the chance. it was near perfect. but then..
she acted crazy. been demanding. been unrational. been someone she hated. then things went wrong..
she knows she couldn’t turn back time..
he’s gone.
she lost the best thing she ever had. he may be of reach, but she could not touch HIM. she’s broken and she doesn’t want to be fixed..
end of the story.
..so no one could see me crying..
for almost two months i have not heard from him. was he just simply busy? have he simply forgotten about me? has he simply moved on?
endless questions haunt my mind everyday and his memories, too. i can’t simply forget about it. i could not simply forget about him..
i’ve been denying it hoping it would help me move on. but damn, my denial got it worst and so i cried again. i just love him TOO MUCH!
desperation, too much expectation and guilt - these made moving on next to impossible and i could not free myself from it..
he’s keeping his silence. i am, too. i just hope it would bring us to somewhere..
i know i have been writing nonsense lately. you are right. i am simply bothered and just need a space to right.
i’ve been here in boracay for almost 7 months now and a lot has happened..
caused by:
1. rebellion
2. being impulsive
3. curiosity
4. environment
5. simply being stupid
perfect? hehehe. i’m trying to make things right now. im trying..
a single text kept me awake from 3:35 am, onwards - the reason why i’m really not on the mood to do anything..
could i confirm that i’m still in love with him? or was it just my ego?
i hate it. i wanted to keep my silence once more. but these little things that kept coming my way matters..
i have sworn. now i will swear again..
not this year. i hope that next year will be better. i hope next year i’ll be luckier. i hope next year i won’t have these regrets..
i already had enough. could i at least take a break?
