walking in the dark

these past few days i definitely had a quality time with myself. im well rested (i sleep for almost 10 hours a day). watched tv, of course. hmmm, thinking that ill lose weight. wrong, i gained weight again! sad.

but then, here i am again. looking back on those "dark days." in fact, i just cried early this morning just reading the diary i still keep. i know i have to burn that down now. it will just remind me of the things i dont want to remember. but i just can’t. maybe not yet now. who knows maybe tomorrow.

why does moving on have to be this hard. im convincing myself im okay almost everyday. i can’t even bring myself to date someone new. stupid, but i still love HIM! wasn’t it just last week that i told him im OKAY? i guess i lied. how can i still love him when he doesn’t even care anymore?

i told myself to stop texting him. but just one text from him, and my hands are on the keypads again. stupid me!

why him? why me? ive been through a lot already..

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

that’s what i wanted to do last night.to shout my heart out.to release anger.pain.why me?of all people why me?am i doomed to suffer all these?am i destined to experience all these?

what is love anyway?to sacrifice?to understand?to accept?i did all these.but its not enough.

im still here.still on the same spot.stranded and drained of all emotions.

i cant hate.the least of all the things i would do.

s#587t!!!

its really hard to show everybody how you feel. scared of letting them know what’s bothering you.

sometimes, lying would be an excellent remedy to evershadow the tears from your eyes. you hide the pain by smilling. you hide the tears by laughing. you hide sadness by lying. and sometimes you just want to trade your life just to experince a minute of happiness that will really change everything.

but that’s what makes it ironic. the more you look for happiness, the more you lose it.

its on days like this that i always think about him. much as i wanted to drown myself reading every book that i can grab, he’s still there. occupying the same spot he used to have.

i don’t know if should congratulate myself that i can now control the urge to text him. it’s the only way i know to lessen the pain. but how ironic. it’s hurting me more.

i miss him and i don’t know until when can i stand this feeling.

its been two months and 3 days now. i know i shouldn’t cry over it anymore but i can’t help it. a lot has happened already and as each day progresses my hope of having him again slims down.

i hate myself. but i can’t hate him. the fact still remains. i still love him, very much.