walking in the dark

if i have the ability to turn back time will i? a lot has happened and a lot more will. my life may not always be sunshiny, in fact it’s always gloomy, but i have learned a lot..

if i have the ability to choose people i can be with will i? i have few good friends who stood by me through thick and thin. i have friends who sharpened my understanding in hard ways. but these people i have been with thought me a lot..

if i have the ability to change me will i? i may be imperfect. i may be the most unpredictable person you could ever have imagined. but i love me..

i only have a very simple wish - i just wanted to be with him that day. it never came true. in fact, i was even crying few more hours before the 26th of september ends..

then i took the risk..

i could never be happier. God doesn’t just wanted me to be with him. He wanted me to have him. God wanted J to be mine..

did i wish for him to be the one? this time i did not. i just wanted time and destiny to tell me that..

the only thing that matters right at this very moment? im happy and i know i can be happier..

i really like that line from the book of kahlil gibran, the prophet, “when love beckons to you, follow him..”

i did just that a couple of days ago. i never thought of being scared. i never thought of getting hurt. i just took the risk. i may regret it in the end, but im just happy. happy to be in love..

i find it hard to wake up this morning. i was even planning to miss my duty. wasn’t able to be with him last night for some reasons. my thumb hurts cause im sending him nonstop messages, without getting a reply. hey it was the evening of my birthday (by the way, our land landy gave birth, the baby has the same birthday with me).

but this morning, i don’t know. he was standing there and looking at me..

i can’t help but smile. God i missed him. i miss him so much that i wanted to cry. we talked. a short one, but just enough for me feel like walking in the clouds..

im looking forward to seeing him this afternoon or evening maybe. he said we have to talk..

whew! why do i have to fall this easy?

what could make me happier than having him beside me? what could make me happier than to hear him say he misses me? what could make me happier than seeing him smile at me?

what could make me happier, tell me..

i love those times i spent with you. i love those times i laugh with the silly jokes you have. i love those times we are simply together..

i love those times, and with that, i just simply love you..

i wanted you know how i feel, but at some point i don’t want to..

i wanted us to be more that just friends, but then i wanted us to be just friends..

i wanted you to be always with me, but then i also want to miss you..

i wanted you to know that im just here, waiting..

i haven’t seen him last night. i was expecting he was at the BH when i arrive from work, but he wasn’t. i just heard his voice early this morning, and that even triggered me to even miss him more..

i wanted to spend more nights with him at the front beach. well, at least i have found someone who seem to be in the same boat with me. we seem to have a lot in common. plus the fact that he can simply make me laugh..

i don’t want to entertain the idea that im falling for him. but i feel that im going to that direction. it’s just sad that we are just friends and i wanted us to be more than that..

i miss him. i miss J.

..and the price i have to pay are tons of tears again..

i was out last night. maybe cause i feel a little rebellious as to what is happening with my life. i haven’t seen him. he was not around at the boarding house and i haven’t received a single text from him for two days. i can’t bring myself to cry. i can’t. i don’t want to..

so there i was with j and i had a few good laugh. i have to. i have to give in when i’m happy..